I wonder how that feels
by vivianmagic
Summary: Grell killed Madam for her betrayal, and William struggled to confront a strange sense of familiarity.


(Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.)

The first thing he said was, "I know you can still walk, Grell Sutcliff." but he made no move to let go of her hair.

Grell struggled to get back on her feet before stumbling forward, "How am I supposed to walk on my own when someone else is pulling my hair?"

"Honestly, I'm not forcing you anywhere, Grell Sutcliff. Just to take you home."

Grell squinted at him skeptically, "So why the long face, Will?" She pushed her hair behind her shoulders, "If you are concerned, I'd be back at work on time tomorrow mor-"

"Are you simply naive, or too incurably insane to realize the magnitude of your offenses?" he stared at her, like how he did on that chilling rooftop, and his tone barely changed, "Do you seriously think this is something that could just _fade away_ overnight?" Moonlight drew the silver outline of his stiff figure, making him look more like a lifeless statue than someone who could breathe, or feel.

Grell fell silent.

William didn't seem to be expecting an answer from her either, "Let's get you home first."

Nothing else was exchanged in the remaining walk towards Grell's apartment.

* * *

><p>As soon as she got in the door and passed the mirror, Grell covered her face and inaudibly screamed.<p>

"Go clean up, Grell Sutcliff." William ordered, "And no use hiding your face, I've seen it."

"But **_I_** haven't!" she hastily retorted before dashing into the bathroom.

William put away both of their scythes and sat down, "Honestly…"

* * *

><p>Neither kept track of how long Grell spent in the shower, but it felt like an eternity, and for some reason both wished it was indeed an eternity. For then there would be no end to the wait, thus no beginning to what was about to take place.<p>

* * *

><p>Grell came out of the shower in her robe and found William sitting in the living room like that lifeless statue he presented himself to be. "Just make yourself at home, Will. It's not the first time you visit anywa-"<p>

"Sit down, Grell Sutcliff."

Grell leaned against couch as she faintly smiled, "I like the way you give orders, Will."

"Just sit down." he tried his best not to raise his voice, but Grell knew him too well to not sense that the man's patience was wearing thin.

"I guess I should be happy that you're willing to stay up so late with me, especially when we may very well have the conversation tomorrow at work."

'You are not coming to work tomorrow, Grell Sutcliff. You are on suspension until further notice."

"Wait, wha-"

"You have been informed of your offenses. I will be meeting with the higher-ups tomorrow morning to brief them on your case. Hopefully they will agree on a verdict soo-"

"But you can't keep me here!"

"Of course we can. You are not taking back your death scythe, and not coming back to your post until we allow you to. You know the rules, these are the consequences. Honestly, Grell Sutcliff, do you have any idea what you have done?"

Unimpressed by William's bureaucratic tone, Grell dropped onto the couch with her arms crossed over her chest, "I killed people."

"People who were not on the list."

"Yes, yes, I know that. I broke rules, you get overtime and you are pissed. I get it."

William frowned at her words, "This isn't about _me_, Grell Sutcliff. It's about human lives-"

"O here you go again." Grell threw herself across the couch, chuckling coldly, "You care as little about human lives as I do. It's the souls that you are after and as long as they are in place, you couldn't care less about who's alive or dead… It's always about the souls because it's always about work. You can't care about anything or anyone else, Will."

"How I see lives and souls is irrelevant to your case. I'm sure you know very clearly that we're not supposed to take the lives of those not on the to-die list."

"Don't tell me, I got a C in ethics."

"It's not on the ethics test, Grell Sutcliff." William pushed his glasses, sounding slightly irritated, "It's in the general written test, where we both got a B. And given your intellectual capacity I assume you would have remembered that vital point."

Grell rolled her eyes as she curled up at the end of the couch, "You know I'm easily bored so stop lecturing me, Will. You have no idea."

William blinked, "What do you mean?"

"You think I wanted to kill her? You think I get off on killing just about any human being? I know you think I'm a monster, but I'm not _that_ kind of monster…" her voice slowly trailed off, as if she was preserving strength for something more important, "I _liked_ her." there was conscious hesitance as she struggled to find the appropriate word to describe her feelings for her last victim. She settled for a safe choice, not knowing what response other options might trigger from William .

William didn't move, nor did he show any apparent change in emotion, "Honestly, I am only concerned about your breach of rules, why you did it is irrele-"

"For God's sake can't you just listen to me for once?!" they both knew that at some point they should stop cutting each other's sentences midway, but that was not the time. Grell rose to her feet before rapidly charging towards William, only to stop right in front of him and cover her face again.

Moonlight shone through the window behind William, allowing him to thoroughly examine the many visible bruises and wounds on her skin. He knew too clearly how she got some of them, so he refrained from commenting.

Grell seemed to be mumbling something into her hand, whether out of desperation or pure anger was unclear. When she finally put her hands down, William could see that she was worn-out, both physically and mentally, even more so than when he first saw her from that rooftop.

"Do you think I wanted to take her life, after all that we have been through?" she muttered, "We-we had a connection. We shared a common goal… We were _meant_ to be."

William quietly listened, eyes not moving away from her.

"Had I not been assigned to manage the souls in Whitechapel, had she not been killing people under my watch, had she not killed someone _right_ in front of my eyes, this would not have happened. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone who shares my glorious fantasies? Yet, against all odds, I found her… _we_ found each other."

"You seem to be very fond of her."

"I _adored_ her. I neglected my job to be with her. I risked my career to help her. And what do I get in return?" Grell curled her fingers into tight fists, her head kept low. "I sacrificed so much for her, but she betrayed me! She negated everything we've done because she was weak! And selfish! After all the pleasure and thrill I have brought her, she abandoned me for an unrequited dream she promised to let go!" there was definitely anger, possibly despair, or even a hint of hysteria in her voice. Had this been her usual self, when she's in perfect shape, some objects in the room would have been shattered and some blood spilled. But not that night. She was too tired and broken to escalate the tension on her own.

Assuming that she had finished talking, William asked, "Do you have regrets?"

Grell was surprised at the question, for William was never even interested in his own emotions, let alone hers, "Why, would it help my defense if I said yes?"

"This is not an interrogation, Grell Sutcliff. I'm just asking it on a personal level."

"Then _no_. Not ever. Mock me all you want, but I don't regret leaving my job for her, and I don't regret killing her. She deserved it." she checked on William again to see if he was repulsed by her answer, but there was nothing. He seemed neither impressed nor disgusted. "An honest answer, but probably not the one you were looking for, Will."

"I am not looking for anything, Grell Sutcliff."

"Then why did you ask? I'm just going to give you more reasons to be mad at me."

"I merely feel disappointed, and nothing else."

"You never spoke very highly of me, what is there to disappoint? And what do you even know about disappointment? Do you have any idea how it feels to go through so much with someone only to have them tear apart the pride you have built as a pair for reasons so absurdly selfish-" her sentence was cut short not because William began to speak, but because he remained silent. That was when Grell noticed that after a hectic evening of confrontation and subsequent humiliation, William could not bother to keep his perfect hair in place. His bangs, dampened with midnight dew, fell over his forehead. It reminded her of the William she used to know, the William she once resented.

"You're right, Grell Sutcliff." William, unaware of what was going on in Grell's mind, finally replied, "_I wonder how that feels._"

It took Grell a moment to recall what she had just said. But the realization hit her hard, like a knife stabbing through her chest. She was speechless, and completely lost the power to lash out on him again. "Will, I-"

"Maybe I am the one who is naive." he briefly took off his glasses to wipe them clean, like how he did in that dark alley under a young writer's window. "Tell me I am not being too unreasonable to expect a little more from someone who once saved my life."

"Will, if you are thinking about making me cry, you've-"

"Cry? You don't do crying, Grell Sutcliff. If anyone has shed a single tear for the passing of a soul, it would be _me_, not you." William suddenly stood up and turned towards the door, "I do understand the weight of life, and I remember someone was standing right next to me when I realized that. And despite taking opposite approaches to just about anything, I thought that person and I, at the very least, would have agreed on that one thing we learned together." he paused to stare at his shoes, "But maybe it is too much to ask for." Before Grell knew it, his hand was on the door knob.

"Wait, Will!" Grell ran up to him, only to stop again before they come into physical contact. "I-I didn't realize…" she swallowed, "I don't know what to say but…" there was no anger, but possibly despair, and finally, for the first time that night, a hint of regret in her voice, "I'm sorry, Will."

Now _that's_ something she would not say to anyone in a million years. She's too proud for that sort of thing. Nonetheless, William couldn't help but believe that there was sincerity in whatever was left of her sanity. Maybe he was being naive again, but he wanted to trust her, he wanted to trust the person who went through so much with him only to tear apart the pride they have built as a pair for reasons so absurdly selfish…

"I know you probably hate me now, Will. I wouldn't be surprised even if you wanted to-"

"Kill you, right?" William finished her sentence, only to be startled by the smell of sarcasm that flew so naturally out of his mouth.

Grell gasped as she lifted her head to look over his shoulder.

William finally turned around to face her, "Killing is your thing, Grell Sutcliff. Honestly, that is not how I deal with my problems, betrayal or otherwise, if you were looking for assurance."

Grell was on the verge of tears but she would hate to have William see her in such a state. So she pushed him against the door to bury her face in his suit coat as she mumbled into the cool fibers that separated her scarred skin from his beating chest, "Thank you for saving my life, Will."

She was indeed exhausted. Her limbs too weak to apply the same amount of force on him when she's trying to make a point. William sighed, but did not move.

A few moments later, when Grell had taken back control of her tear glands, she freed her hands from William's coat and asked, "What will the punishment be?"

"Nothing you can't survive, Grell Sutcliff."

"Good to hear…" she replied weakly before opening the door for him, "I should let you go now. You must be tired."

William quickly turned around and step out of the door, "Yes, and I shall call you tomorrow morning after the briefing. Don't go anywhere."

"As if I'd parade around looking like this." Grell shook her head, "I'm such a mess, I know it."

"Yes, you are." William said coolly.

His barely audible agreement brought a smile to Grell's lips, "What an asshole you are, Will." she said as he walked down the steps, "But you do know how to please your lady with an iron fist, and you are my favorite person in the world."

Confused by her statement, William turned around again to coldly gaze at her.

"I love you."

William immediately turned his face away upon hearing those three words, "I'll call you tomorrow." and quickly disappeared from Grell's sight.

With the house empty again, Grell retreated back into her room, only to find a blood-stained red coat by her feet. She picked it up, sat down on her bed and opened the knitting chest.


End file.
